It's not meant to be

Thursday, 4 pm, i reached the clinic..waiting anxiously for the scan....praying hard all will be fine and praying hard that if it is not there at least give me the strength to accept the fact....

and the results...foetus not growing and it is smaller than it is supposed to be....so no choice...had to D& C....wash it off....

i tried hard to compose myself...but that tears are sooooo degil still want get out...however, it wasn't that hard to swallow that fact that it had to go....like i said i was well prepared...

but the support i got from friends was a soothing one..in sch especially my colleagues told me that they have worst experiences...some had miscarriage during their 7th month...some had miscarriages for 3 times....
So it wasn't so bad afterall :) It is better to lose it now than later......that manage to comfort me..However everytime i look at my dearest hub....that tears came flowing down again....

but loads of questions came to my mind...
was it because of being too stress ? (i wasn't that stress)
Too active? walking up and down and not having a good rest? (all teachers have to go through that)
A fall that hit my butt...(Dr say fall is not the cause cos the foetues is protected by the sac..)
Was it because of the slimming pills i took when i was 4 weeks..and i didn't know bout the pregnancy? (might be the case)

However after all those thoughts the best answer was...It was never meant to be..Bukan rezeki....and cos God has his own arrangement and plans for me..and He knows what is best for my future....

I think our lifestyle is very hectic that we juz have no time to really take care of ourselves :)

But now im really scared of that D&C..this is the first time something weird entering my body, touching my internal parts ewwww...i dun dare to imagine it..
And the after effect i heard sounds scary....must go urut must do this must do that....
juz wanna get it over n done with and start anew and try again:P wink wink...

P/s: Bit sad that i can't watch my students performing :(

It's not so bad afterall

I juz learnt that a junior of mine...was married and infact had two sons....I was shocked....tanpa di sangka sangka..eh eh junior aku dah kawin dah ada anak pungz hehehehe....aku yg ketinggalan zaman ni hahaha...however Allah loved her second son more....Semoga dicucuri rahmat ke atas arwahnya....

While reading her blog, i was sad by the stories..tanpa disangka air mata ku meleleh.....I mean i can understand how she felt....sedangkan org yang kehilangan anak ketika dalam kandungan berasa sangat sedih apatah lagi yang sudah melahirkan yang dah nampak sendiri rupa anaknya......

So upon reading her stories, i regain conscious....(in the first place bila masa aku pengsan lak)....i mean i became stronger hahaha.....and i hope im tabah enough to hear this thursday results....

Time sekolah kita risaukan tentang exam...tak tido belajar...risaukan masa depan..apa aku nak jadi bila dah graduate kelak...tapi my case ni dah tak yah choose tak ada pilihan pun :(

Bila dah besar...dah kerja..tengah jadi anak dara terfikir lak...and risau pulak bila lah aku nak tamatkan zaman anak dara .... kalau boleh tak nak jadi andartu.....

Bila dah kawin pulak....risau tentang bilalah aku boleh dapat anak.....kalau boleh tak nak jadi ibu yang berumur......

Bila dah ngandung pulak....risau tentang kandungan....kenapalah kandungan aku ni tak bergerak dan bermacam-macam hal yg melibatkan kandungan.....

Bila dah ada anak pulak..risau tentang kesihatan anak..lagi lagi bayi...

However at every phase of your life...risau tentang duit tak pernah putus haha dari sekolah sampai dah tua....

What im trying to say here in life i guess no one will have a peace of mind forever.....ada jek masalah yang difikirkan atau timbul..

Jadi moral of the tsory.....take things easy...BERDOA.....serahkan pada takdir....Usaha...dan REDHA......

I don't know whether im looking forward for this thursday....Sometimes i felt that it is too early sometimes i felt it is too late....

BACK TO SETTING PAPER :(

If it is meant to be there it will be there and vice versa....

Yesterday, the whole day my heart was beating very fast...Dr appt was due in the afternoon....I dunno why but i have this uneasy feeling....
My visit this time wasn't with a big smile....

while the scanning was going on..this strong uneasy feeling came again...
and to my despair...dr said that she can't see the heart beating...she gave me a week...for another scan...and if that scan does not show the heart beating again...cleaning needs to be done....

i don't know how to react i juz nodded and went off and took my receipt and went home....

It took me quite long to get back to my senses..however after thinking i decided to hope for the best for next week...if it is meant to be there it will be there if it is not meant to be there it won't be there....

However, i manage to compose myself and brace myself up.Im prepared for the worst.....and we will try again if it fails this time...:) ... Selagi hayat masih ada, selagi badan masih sihat, selagi tubuh masih subur hehe....Insha'Allah....
Cos i think i will use the opportunity to Go on a honeymoon again :) I don't know why but i've been dreaming bout going rasa sentosa shang ri la.....the most romantic hotel in Singapore i've ever saw :P

p/s had a fall few dayz ago....hope that is not the cause of it ..... Me and my itchy buttocks n legs...which loves to jump around... :)..In the meantime, I.m just hoping for the best :) Insha'Allah...Amin...

Kampung Ckg Yantz

A heartless soul!!

By now, everyone knows what is happening to the 3 year old girl....and i guess everyone juz couldn't stop wondering what the heck is on that BEAST hearted stepfather's mind...Killing such a cute, pretty lil girl...Astaghfirullahalazim...

Well, when you've got to go ..you got to go... let's not talk/think about those who has returned to HIM.... Kita yang masih hidup ni, belum tahu bila kita punya turn...so in the meantime, it is good to get ready :P.......

sometimes i feel like writing a wasiat kakakak so if anything happen to me hehe at least many things are in order kakakakak....like paying my hutang haha.....returning stuff which i borrowed from....things that i wish to donate..things i wish to complete..etc etc etc......

Suddenly it struck my mind what happen if a mother couldn't make it while giving birth and the baby manage to make it alive? How's the baby gonna grow up without the mother???

Can the father really bring up the child properly with all the proper guidance?....Never mind, these are God's will....

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Im having a very bad sore throat..i lost my voice....while doing relief, i had to write on the board....The thing is i dunno what i ate or exactly what cause this bad sore throat....?? weird....

Now and then i keep dreaming of my new house..although i have not bought any haha still waiting for the WIS.....I've been always playing THE SIMS and create my dream home....well that's only a dream :P.....

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Life seems to be very sweet nowadayz haha..everyone around me seems to care so much about me especially my hubby and i am excused from doing some work hur hur hur..isn't that great!! hehehe well not for long :( once the whole process is over, i think i can't be pampered anymore :(......

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Oh God, let this great journey of mine go smoothly without any complications :) Amin...